This week I am committed to getting back on track since I was slightly off last week. I never made it to my weekly weigh in and meeting, so now I have resorted to a step above Slim Fast.... Special K protein bars and shakes. They really are pretty tasty and certainly make things very convenient and easy. Not that I would want to do this for more than a one week period, but in a pinch it will do just fine.
Something other than laundry has been on my tread-mill this week too. It would be embarrassing to say how long and fast I walked, but at least it's a start. At any rate, I am looking forward to Friday and I will keep you posted.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Weekly Weigh In Results 9/4/09
The loss was minuscule but a loss is still a loss, no matter how small. I will not complain about it and I'll consider myself lucky that I didn't move the scale in the opposite direction. Surely, this would have been the case if I hadn't experienced a cleansing effect from eating seaweed the other day.
Speaking of seaweed, I was just certain that the three different cleansing products I had buried in a forgotten corner of the medicine cabinet, were sure to contain it in mass quantities. After digging them out and thoroughly scrutinizing their labels, I found that Relacore, Whole Body Cleanse, and Internal Flush (ugh, the name alone....what was I thinking?) had not contained any amount of seaweed whatsoever.
However, I did find one ingredient that was consistently listed on every product label, and it is Marshmallow Root, or botanically speaking, Althaea officianalis. While I'm certain that eating a bunch of marshmallows would not give me the same effect, I am clueless as to what exactly marshmallow root is, and I would love to find out.
So if anyone out there is in the know on this stuff, please share. I could go look it up myself on Google or something, but where's the fun in that?
Speaking of seaweed, I was just certain that the three different cleansing products I had buried in a forgotten corner of the medicine cabinet, were sure to contain it in mass quantities. After digging them out and thoroughly scrutinizing their labels, I found that Relacore, Whole Body Cleanse, and Internal Flush (ugh, the name alone....what was I thinking?) had not contained any amount of seaweed whatsoever.
However, I did find one ingredient that was consistently listed on every product label, and it is Marshmallow Root, or botanically speaking, Althaea officianalis. While I'm certain that eating a bunch of marshmallows would not give me the same effect, I am clueless as to what exactly marshmallow root is, and I would love to find out.
So if anyone out there is in the know on this stuff, please share. I could go look it up myself on Google or something, but where's the fun in that?
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Half & Half Turkey Burger Recipe
I call these burgers half and half because I mix equal parts of lean ground beef with ground turkey. I do the same with meatloaf or anything else that calls for ground beef. I just find that lean ground beef alone is dry and flavorless, while the color of ground turkey alone turns me off and just isn't meaty enough. Together, however, they are great! The differences in nutritional values as far as fat and calories go are negligible. The beef having 170 calories and 8 grams of fat per 4 oz serving and the turkey 160/7.
This recipe was inspired by a heart healthy cook book belonging to one of my clients. I have made the recipe out of the book for their family many times, but I use my own special version when making them for myself. My recipe is as follows:
Ingredients
1 # 7% fat, lean ground beef
1 # ground turkey (not 100% turkey breast which is too lean and more costly)
1 8 oz container of fat free Greek yogurt
2 Tbs mayo
1 Tbs Dijon Mustard
1 good handful of fresh cilantro leaves
1 good handful of fresh dill sprigs
1 lemon
salt & pepper to taste
dash of onion powder
Procedure
Get a bowl large enough to hold and mix the ground meats but do not put the meat in to the bowl yet. Instead, dump the yogurt, mayo, Dijon mustard, and salt & pepper in to the bowl.
Then, take out a cutting board and finely chop up the fresh herbs, add that to the bowl, plus the zest of the whole lemon and half of the lemon's juice. Mix all of this up until well combined and then transfer the mixture in to a smaller serving bowl. This is a delicious low fat sauce for serving with the burgers. Reserve 2 Tbs of the mixture and leave it right in side of the same bowl that you will now use to mix the meats. Cover your cutting board with tinfoil or plastic wrap, as you will need a work space when portioning and forming your meat patties. This makes clean up easier.
Now add your ground meats to the bowl plus some salt & pepper and the onion powder. Be sure to mix it well incorporating all of the reserved yogurt sauce. Now divide your meat mixture into 8 (4 ounce) portions. Use the covered cutting board as a work surface for the raw meat. For complete accuracy, you can use an ice cream scoop and a scale to weigh the meat when portioning. Just be sure to cover your scale with plastic wrap for safe handling if it does not have a removable top that can be washed after use. Once you have your evenly portioned meat, form the portions in to balls first and then patties.
Cook the patties as you would cook any other burger. Grill, broil, frying pan, etc.. I like to use a cast iron grill pan over my gas stove. Just be sure that you coat what ever cooking surface you will be using with non stick spray. The turkey mixture is slightly softer than straight ground beef and care should be taken so that the patties won't stick or fall apart when cooking.
The Weight Watcher point value for one burger is 4 points. Tonight I enjoyed my burger on a regular wheat bun with the yogurt sauce, sliced avocado, lettuce and tomato for a total of 7 points.
Weed That's Good For You
Once a week the awesome family that I cook for has an international night. Last nights meal featured cuisine from Okinawa. I prepared a spare rib soup, purple Okinawan sweet potatoes, rice, and a purple sweet potato & coconut cream pie for dessert.
Besides the spare ribs, one of the other key ingredients that the soup called for was roasted seaweed, or as it is also known; Nori. I have always loved this stuff in sushi, though by itself, the flavor and texture profile is similar to fishy, crunchy, paper, that will stick to the roof of your mouth faster than a communion wafer and be twice as difficult to get unstuck.
As you already know, I am somewhat in the habit of impulsively eating what ever may be in front of me and since I work with food every day, there's no telling what may end up in my mouth at any given time. On Tuesday it was raw potatoes, and I'm actually quite thankful for eating them even though it disturbed me at the time. It was only upon reflection of that bizarre unappetizing moment that I realized how often I do eat on pure impulse.
So on Wednesday I made another deal with myself not to eat anything on impulse. I can't tell you how many calories I probably saved myself being armed with my new found awareness. Well, actually I could, but I don't want to embarrass myself here. Admitting to eating raw potatoes is embarrassment enough.
I did in fact eat several sheets of the Nori, but not until after looking at the nutrition label and making the conscious decision that fishy tasting paper really wouldn't be that bad of a snack. In truth, I ate it because I was actually quite hungry and I knew that if I didn't get something right then, I would be breaking the deal I made with myself later. Besides, for its low, low, calories, this food packs an amazing amount of nutrition. Each sheet of Nori is only 10 calories and loaded with vitamin A and Iron.
Today, I am wondering if there may be some magical extracting power to the seaweed. After all, it has been claimed to shrink body tissue if you get wrapped in it at the spa, right? Another claim I have read In the book, Food and Healing by Anne Marie Colbin, also author of The Natural Gourmet, is that seaweed will counteract the effects of radiation. The author recommends people undergoing cancer treatment to include it in their diets, as she herself will eat it any time she gets x-rayed.
The experience I had this morning was that of a cleansing effect and I'm pretty certain it had to do with the seaweed. My stomach was not at all upset, cramping, or in pain of any kind, but I did make three highly productive trips to the bathroom. While I may have just stepped over the TMI line, the point I'm trying to make is that I could actually see and feel that my stomach got smaller with each trip. What's even better is that I was able to obtain scientific proof that I was not imagining these effects.
I happened to weigh myself shortly after getting out of bed this morning. It's just another one of my bad habits. I don't do it every single day, but more like several times a week. After I wondered about the seaweed having this effect, I wondered if I would see any loss on my scale. Some scales, such as what they use at Weight Watchers are so sensitive, that they might detect a sip of water down to a tenth of an ounce. Mine, however, is not. Just a normal self calibrating digital. Numbers never lie and the ones that I was looking at were minus 2 pounds from where they were just a few hours before. Thirty two ounces of matter gone,... and I didn't need to ask where it went.
Next week I will embark on my own little scientific experiment to see if I can repeat the results. I'm very curious and I will keep you posted. More fish flavored paper please!
Besides the spare ribs, one of the other key ingredients that the soup called for was roasted seaweed, or as it is also known; Nori. I have always loved this stuff in sushi, though by itself, the flavor and texture profile is similar to fishy, crunchy, paper, that will stick to the roof of your mouth faster than a communion wafer and be twice as difficult to get unstuck.
As you already know, I am somewhat in the habit of impulsively eating what ever may be in front of me and since I work with food every day, there's no telling what may end up in my mouth at any given time. On Tuesday it was raw potatoes, and I'm actually quite thankful for eating them even though it disturbed me at the time. It was only upon reflection of that bizarre unappetizing moment that I realized how often I do eat on pure impulse.
So on Wednesday I made another deal with myself not to eat anything on impulse. I can't tell you how many calories I probably saved myself being armed with my new found awareness. Well, actually I could, but I don't want to embarrass myself here. Admitting to eating raw potatoes is embarrassment enough.
I did in fact eat several sheets of the Nori, but not until after looking at the nutrition label and making the conscious decision that fishy tasting paper really wouldn't be that bad of a snack. In truth, I ate it because I was actually quite hungry and I knew that if I didn't get something right then, I would be breaking the deal I made with myself later. Besides, for its low, low, calories, this food packs an amazing amount of nutrition. Each sheet of Nori is only 10 calories and loaded with vitamin A and Iron.
Today, I am wondering if there may be some magical extracting power to the seaweed. After all, it has been claimed to shrink body tissue if you get wrapped in it at the spa, right? Another claim I have read In the book, Food and Healing by Anne Marie Colbin, also author of The Natural Gourmet, is that seaweed will counteract the effects of radiation. The author recommends people undergoing cancer treatment to include it in their diets, as she herself will eat it any time she gets x-rayed.
The experience I had this morning was that of a cleansing effect and I'm pretty certain it had to do with the seaweed. My stomach was not at all upset, cramping, or in pain of any kind, but I did make three highly productive trips to the bathroom. While I may have just stepped over the TMI line, the point I'm trying to make is that I could actually see and feel that my stomach got smaller with each trip. What's even better is that I was able to obtain scientific proof that I was not imagining these effects.
I happened to weigh myself shortly after getting out of bed this morning. It's just another one of my bad habits. I don't do it every single day, but more like several times a week. After I wondered about the seaweed having this effect, I wondered if I would see any loss on my scale. Some scales, such as what they use at Weight Watchers are so sensitive, that they might detect a sip of water down to a tenth of an ounce. Mine, however, is not. Just a normal self calibrating digital. Numbers never lie and the ones that I was looking at were minus 2 pounds from where they were just a few hours before. Thirty two ounces of matter gone,... and I didn't need to ask where it went.
Next week I will embark on my own little scientific experiment to see if I can repeat the results. I'm very curious and I will keep you posted. More fish flavored paper please!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Tortured By Cookies
I was busy prepping meals in my client's home this morning when I discovered a cookie sheet in the oven. It's really too bad I have a habit of looking inside to make sure nothing is actually in the oven when I turn it on to preheat. If that were the case this morning, then the already baked cookies would have been burned beyond the point of temptation by the time I discovered them.
So there I was working, and there were those innocent little chocolate chips just sitting there begging to be eaten. I was determined not to eat so much as a crumb but my brain kept forgetting that I made this deal with myself to be good. I really had to stop myself several times from just absentmindedly popping one in to my mouth. At one point when I stopped myself, I could swear that the cookies looked as if they had little chocolate chip eyes and were smiling at me. You know things are getting a little out of control when you start having food hallucinations.
I quickly picked up a little chunk of raw potato and in to my mouth it went. Raw carrot would have been a much better choice, but the carrots that had been on my cutting board just a few minutes before were now simmering in hot liquid on the stove.
I guess I should be glad that it was a piece of raw vegetable I ate instead of the cookie, but I must admit I'm feeling a little disturbed by this. Why did I even feel a need to eat something else in order to save myself from eating the cookie? And how desperate is that, huh,... raw potato? It was just so impulsive, but it made me realize something about myself; I eat impulsively all the time!
Another thing my client keeps in a jar on her counter is Peanut M&M's. I don't even like those things! Don't get me wrong, I love chocolate and I do enjoy peanuts, just not together in my mouth at the same time. Does this prevent me from eating them? Hell no! I dip my hand in that jar every single week. Chocolate tainted with peanuts is still chocolate and I can deal with that.
What stopped me from eating the M&M's this week was not the fact that I really don't care that much for them, and it wasn't the deal I made with myself to not eat the cookie either. Truth is, I'm not someone my own self can rely too much on, in fact, I probably would have eaten the candy instead of the potato in my moment of weakness, rationalizing that one or two Peanut M&M's was way better than eating an entire cookie. Nope, what stopped me from putting my hand in that jar was simply that the jar was down to the last three pieces of candy!
So there I was working, and there were those innocent little chocolate chips just sitting there begging to be eaten. I was determined not to eat so much as a crumb but my brain kept forgetting that I made this deal with myself to be good. I really had to stop myself several times from just absentmindedly popping one in to my mouth. At one point when I stopped myself, I could swear that the cookies looked as if they had little chocolate chip eyes and were smiling at me. You know things are getting a little out of control when you start having food hallucinations.
I quickly picked up a little chunk of raw potato and in to my mouth it went. Raw carrot would have been a much better choice, but the carrots that had been on my cutting board just a few minutes before were now simmering in hot liquid on the stove.
I guess I should be glad that it was a piece of raw vegetable I ate instead of the cookie, but I must admit I'm feeling a little disturbed by this. Why did I even feel a need to eat something else in order to save myself from eating the cookie? And how desperate is that, huh,... raw potato? It was just so impulsive, but it made me realize something about myself; I eat impulsively all the time!
Another thing my client keeps in a jar on her counter is Peanut M&M's. I don't even like those things! Don't get me wrong, I love chocolate and I do enjoy peanuts, just not together in my mouth at the same time. Does this prevent me from eating them? Hell no! I dip my hand in that jar every single week. Chocolate tainted with peanuts is still chocolate and I can deal with that.
What stopped me from eating the M&M's this week was not the fact that I really don't care that much for them, and it wasn't the deal I made with myself to not eat the cookie either. Truth is, I'm not someone my own self can rely too much on, in fact, I probably would have eaten the candy instead of the potato in my moment of weakness, rationalizing that one or two Peanut M&M's was way better than eating an entire cookie. Nope, what stopped me from putting my hand in that jar was simply that the jar was down to the last three pieces of candy!
Friday, August 28, 2009
Weekly Weigh In
This morning I did something I had been putting off all summer long.....returning to Weight Watchers. The last time I was there was May 1, 2009. I knew it would be tough to get to the meetings once the kids were out of school and with my juggling three jobs, so I sort of had an unofficial goal to maintain where I was, and then pick up where I left off when I could.
I was fairly confident that I succeeded and made a guess that I would be within 2 pounds of my last recorded weight. Well, the scale fairy was on my side this morning and only showed a 1.4 pound gain. I weighed in at 173.2 on May 1st and was 174.6 this morning.
So now I'm picking back up where I left off. Today was my sons 12th birthday and luckily he requested that I make sushi for dinner. Lean raw fish and rice for dinner made up for the artery clogging cake we had for desert. I'm going to try to come up with some light recipes this week and I will share anything worthy.
I'm looking forward to feeling healthier!
I was fairly confident that I succeeded and made a guess that I would be within 2 pounds of my last recorded weight. Well, the scale fairy was on my side this morning and only showed a 1.4 pound gain. I weighed in at 173.2 on May 1st and was 174.6 this morning.
So now I'm picking back up where I left off. Today was my sons 12th birthday and luckily he requested that I make sushi for dinner. Lean raw fish and rice for dinner made up for the artery clogging cake we had for desert. I'm going to try to come up with some light recipes this week and I will share anything worthy.
I'm looking forward to feeling healthier!
Food Addiction & Skinny Bitches
I read somewhere that food addictions were far worse than having a problem with drugs or alcohol. By definition according to Webster's, to be addicted is giving yourself up (passively) to a strong habit, and it seems to me that I meet this criteria. The point that the author of what ever diet book I was reading at the time was making, was this; If you are addicted to drugs or alcohol you can choose complete abstinence as a method of overcoming the addiction, where as with food it is impossible.
I thought that was a pretty good point to make and I remember getting in to some discussion regarding this particular perspective. I can't tell you why I recalled this conversation that actually took place back in the 80's, or why I feel so compelled to bring it up now, but it was with a co worker who strongly disagreed.
This co worker, let's call her Skinny Bitch, said that it was ridiculous to compare the two, because people didn't die from over dosing on food, and she was completely appalled that someone would compare over eating with something as serious as drug abuse ! While I myself am quite certain that downing an entire box (or two) of Little Debbies wouldn't cause sudden convulsions and death, I do think that she entirely missed the point.
Too bad I didn't have this good of a response 20 years ago, but since it's never to late to have the last word, here goes. Skinny Bitch, where ever you are, this one's for you. Obesity related health problems can and do, in fact, cause death. Cardiovascular disease, high cholesterol, and type 2 diabetes are real. So there........, put that in your cake and bake it!
I thought that was a pretty good point to make and I remember getting in to some discussion regarding this particular perspective. I can't tell you why I recalled this conversation that actually took place back in the 80's, or why I feel so compelled to bring it up now, but it was with a co worker who strongly disagreed.
This co worker, let's call her Skinny Bitch, said that it was ridiculous to compare the two, because people didn't die from over dosing on food, and she was completely appalled that someone would compare over eating with something as serious as drug abuse ! While I myself am quite certain that downing an entire box (or two) of Little Debbies wouldn't cause sudden convulsions and death, I do think that she entirely missed the point.
Too bad I didn't have this good of a response 20 years ago, but since it's never to late to have the last word, here goes. Skinny Bitch, where ever you are, this one's for you. Obesity related health problems can and do, in fact, cause death. Cardiovascular disease, high cholesterol, and type 2 diabetes are real. So there........, put that in your cake and bake it!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
40 by 40
Around the time I turned 39 I set a goal to loose 40 pounds by my 40th birthday. Since I have been yo-yoing my entire life since adolescence, I was no stranger to the diet scene. You name the diet and I've been on it. Weight Watchers 4 times, Nutri-System 2 times, Jenny Craig 3 times, and that's just to name a few. There was a time when I actually paid the monthly fee for Weight Watchers and never showed up to a meeting for an entire year! For one, I considered it my fat tax, and secondly, I knew that I would never have the motivation to get back to it if I stopped the payment.
It used to be 20 or so pounds that I was constantly loosing or gaining, which by the way, adds up to about 180 pounds if you did the math from my previously counted attempts. As my birthdays continued to rise, so did the number on the scale and I found myself dealing with twice as much weight to loose. I have since decided that the most sensible plan for me was and still is; Weight Watchers.
So there I was in December of 2005, having already turned 40 on the 1st and down a total of 30 pounds. I didn't quite make the 40 pounds by the time I turned 40, but I was close and I was happy with what I had lost. I still fully intended on making my goal even if I was a little late.
Now here I am today, roughly 16 months from my 45th birthday, only now I have 45 pounds to loose if I wish to get to my original 40 by 40 goal weight. What happened? Culinary school happened! In January of 2006, I became a full time student in addition to my already busy life; keeping up with my three children, my husband, and our home. I managed pretty well for the first half of my 18 month school program. I continued exercising but I stopped going to the W.W. meetings. I simply could not fit it all in, especially when I took on a part time job in a restaurant. I did maintain what I had lost for a while.... until I had to endure 6 weeks of baking and pastry.
Me showing up for class every day was like an alcoholic showing up for work every day in a bar. We studied and produced everything from breads, pizzas, pretzels, cookies, cakes, pies, puff pastry with it's obscene quantities of butter, sugar sculptures, and chocolate, and ice cream, mousses, and ganache, and so much more. And we got to eat everything! Imagine eating creme brulee every day for 6 weeks. Well, I actually did. Those were the days. And those were the days that did me in.
When I look back on that time in my life, what stands out the most is my accomplishments at school and the amazing amount of energy I had to get it all done. I graduated with a 4.0 and perfect attendance. True, I packed on the pounds, gaining back everything I lost and then some. But The pounds is not what bothers me. What bothers me is how bad I feel, how tired I am all the time, how I've lost my zest and energy. If I could only feel like I did back then; full of life and enthusiasm, I would just give in to my fatness and finally accept my body for what it is, or more importantly what it is not. It's just that I know a big part of the reason why I feel so physically unfit and tired is because of the extra weight. I think my poor body has finally had enough of this constant up and down with the weight.
I have to admit, I've always had a somewhat skewed body image and I can remember times when I thought I looked pretty fat. Only now I can look at a picture from that time period to realize that I actually looked pretty good, and I was much smaller than I thought. I wasted my time and energy back then worrying over what I did or didn't look like, instead of enjoying what I had. This time around I really don't care about my body image as much as I want to regain the energy I so desperately lack. I used to get up at 4:30 a.m. because getting to school was a long drive and class started at 7:00 a.m. . Today I couldn't roll over at 4:30 a.m., even if I was rolling over on to the sexiest man alive and he was happy to see me. I'd be like; "sorry Mr. Sexy Man, come back later because I need more sleep!"
Joking aside, what I really want is to trade in the prematurely geriatric me now, for the energetic me that I was back then. I know I can't magically turn back the clock. But I also know that I have never felt worse than I feel right now. Perhaps if I lost the extra 45 pounds that I'm walking around with, then maybe walking around wouldn't be so difficult. Maybe then I could even sprint if I wanted to. So here we go again body, you know the routine. Only this time, I'm putting my goal and story out here for all to see; 45 pounds lost by my 45th birthday on December 1st 2010.
You know, I recently had this revelation while I was staring at a 7 year old picture of myself. My youngest of three was about a year old and I was probably 15 pounds less than I am today,... still 30 pounds more of me then the reasonable goal I just set. Ok, so there I am thinking like I had so many times before, "wow, I really don't look as bad as I thought I did back then, if fact... I look pretty good,... I look young,... why can't I look like that again?" Of course the last question I asked myself was crazy. I mean come on, who could look like a picture that was 7 years old and 15 pounds thinner, right?
But it did get me thinking about another kind of question. I asked myself this; "why can't I approve of myself right now, the way I am approving of this 7 year old image, the same image that I was so dissatisfied with at the time it was taken?" I realize that I'll never be as young as I am right now, though I may be thinner. But do I want to wait another 7 years before I can appreciate what I am right now? Do I really want to squander what little energy I have on feeling bad about myself? For what? So I can sadly look back at another 7 years gone by and miss the positive self image that I never had in the first place?
That's the insanity I'm talking about, and like Susan Powter once said.......stop it!!! Yes, I really said all those things to myself, and I said them out loud too. You should have seen the looks I got from all the other people in line at the grocery store. Just kidding about the grocery store. But I seriously do think I've had an awakening moment in all that. I'm consciously trying to change the way I feel about my body and self image now, instead of waiting for the body to actually change before I will allow the self image to approve or say I like it.
And tomorrow I re-start Weight Watchers. Last visit there was on May 1st 2009 and I was 173.2. It had taken me from December 12, 2008 to get there from my starting weight of 183.2. More math again,... it took 5 months for me to move the scale down 10 pounds. That's very typical of a life long yo-yoer such as myself. Anyway, it will be interesting to see how well I did over the summer. I feel confident that I will be close to the same.
I will keep you posted.
It used to be 20 or so pounds that I was constantly loosing or gaining, which by the way, adds up to about 180 pounds if you did the math from my previously counted attempts. As my birthdays continued to rise, so did the number on the scale and I found myself dealing with twice as much weight to loose. I have since decided that the most sensible plan for me was and still is; Weight Watchers.
So there I was in December of 2005, having already turned 40 on the 1st and down a total of 30 pounds. I didn't quite make the 40 pounds by the time I turned 40, but I was close and I was happy with what I had lost. I still fully intended on making my goal even if I was a little late.
Now here I am today, roughly 16 months from my 45th birthday, only now I have 45 pounds to loose if I wish to get to my original 40 by 40 goal weight. What happened? Culinary school happened! In January of 2006, I became a full time student in addition to my already busy life; keeping up with my three children, my husband, and our home. I managed pretty well for the first half of my 18 month school program. I continued exercising but I stopped going to the W.W. meetings. I simply could not fit it all in, especially when I took on a part time job in a restaurant. I did maintain what I had lost for a while.... until I had to endure 6 weeks of baking and pastry.
Me showing up for class every day was like an alcoholic showing up for work every day in a bar. We studied and produced everything from breads, pizzas, pretzels, cookies, cakes, pies, puff pastry with it's obscene quantities of butter, sugar sculptures, and chocolate, and ice cream, mousses, and ganache, and so much more. And we got to eat everything! Imagine eating creme brulee every day for 6 weeks. Well, I actually did. Those were the days. And those were the days that did me in.
When I look back on that time in my life, what stands out the most is my accomplishments at school and the amazing amount of energy I had to get it all done. I graduated with a 4.0 and perfect attendance. True, I packed on the pounds, gaining back everything I lost and then some. But The pounds is not what bothers me. What bothers me is how bad I feel, how tired I am all the time, how I've lost my zest and energy. If I could only feel like I did back then; full of life and enthusiasm, I would just give in to my fatness and finally accept my body for what it is, or more importantly what it is not. It's just that I know a big part of the reason why I feel so physically unfit and tired is because of the extra weight. I think my poor body has finally had enough of this constant up and down with the weight.
I have to admit, I've always had a somewhat skewed body image and I can remember times when I thought I looked pretty fat. Only now I can look at a picture from that time period to realize that I actually looked pretty good, and I was much smaller than I thought. I wasted my time and energy back then worrying over what I did or didn't look like, instead of enjoying what I had. This time around I really don't care about my body image as much as I want to regain the energy I so desperately lack. I used to get up at 4:30 a.m. because getting to school was a long drive and class started at 7:00 a.m. . Today I couldn't roll over at 4:30 a.m., even if I was rolling over on to the sexiest man alive and he was happy to see me. I'd be like; "sorry Mr. Sexy Man, come back later because I need more sleep!"
Joking aside, what I really want is to trade in the prematurely geriatric me now, for the energetic me that I was back then. I know I can't magically turn back the clock. But I also know that I have never felt worse than I feel right now. Perhaps if I lost the extra 45 pounds that I'm walking around with, then maybe walking around wouldn't be so difficult. Maybe then I could even sprint if I wanted to. So here we go again body, you know the routine. Only this time, I'm putting my goal and story out here for all to see; 45 pounds lost by my 45th birthday on December 1st 2010.
You know, I recently had this revelation while I was staring at a 7 year old picture of myself. My youngest of three was about a year old and I was probably 15 pounds less than I am today,... still 30 pounds more of me then the reasonable goal I just set. Ok, so there I am thinking like I had so many times before, "wow, I really don't look as bad as I thought I did back then, if fact... I look pretty good,... I look young,... why can't I look like that again?" Of course the last question I asked myself was crazy. I mean come on, who could look like a picture that was 7 years old and 15 pounds thinner, right?
But it did get me thinking about another kind of question. I asked myself this; "why can't I approve of myself right now, the way I am approving of this 7 year old image, the same image that I was so dissatisfied with at the time it was taken?" I realize that I'll never be as young as I am right now, though I may be thinner. But do I want to wait another 7 years before I can appreciate what I am right now? Do I really want to squander what little energy I have on feeling bad about myself? For what? So I can sadly look back at another 7 years gone by and miss the positive self image that I never had in the first place?
That's the insanity I'm talking about, and like Susan Powter once said.......stop it!!! Yes, I really said all those things to myself, and I said them out loud too. You should have seen the looks I got from all the other people in line at the grocery store. Just kidding about the grocery store. But I seriously do think I've had an awakening moment in all that. I'm consciously trying to change the way I feel about my body and self image now, instead of waiting for the body to actually change before I will allow the self image to approve or say I like it.
And tomorrow I re-start Weight Watchers. Last visit there was on May 1st 2009 and I was 173.2. It had taken me from December 12, 2008 to get there from my starting weight of 183.2. More math again,... it took 5 months for me to move the scale down 10 pounds. That's very typical of a life long yo-yoer such as myself. Anyway, it will be interesting to see how well I did over the summer. I feel confident that I will be close to the same.
I will keep you posted.
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