Procrastinantion, Weight Loss, and Grief

It's been nearly a year since I last blogged and I'm wondering myself, what is it about today that's broken this on going cycle of procrastination? Not just the procrastination of writing the blog, I mean, It's not like I've been sticking to any of my fitness goals either. I would love to sit here and type how I've been so busy with working out and shopping for smaller sized clothing that I just couldn't make the time to write about all the progress I was making, but that's as far stretched from the truth as my jeans are across my fat ass!

Still, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I did manage one positive step towards my better health in the past 11 months by quitting smoking. When ever I get to beating myself up (which is often these days) I feel somewhat better to remind myself of the fact that I not only quit, but I didn't gain an ounce since quitting back in October.

So, as far as my weight goes I guess I can say; nothing gained, nothing lost. Where does that leave me? About 15 weeks away from my 45th birthday and not even an ounce less than 11 months ago when I last wrote. If nothing else, I know I'm good at maintaining and 15 weeks away from now is still, well...15 weeks away from now.

I am a bit surprised to find that my numbers on the scale aren't up because I actually feel heavier at times since I lost my dad last month. I wonder how much space would a pound of grief take up and how many ounces can one loose in tears? I have found comfort in food that is fortunately through my working with it and not eating it. There is something I find quite soothing in the monotony of kitchen prep. Who needs therapy when you have a mallet and a case veal, and can use it in an environment where no one will mind a sudden outburst of obscenities?

I feel lighter just thinking about that and I feel lighter having typed these words up on the screen where they make some kind of sense and have order verses swimming around chaotically inside my head. Maybe I can keep my emotions in check today and be nicer to my wonderful and understanding husband, who has been like the unfortunate veal under my mallet lately. I'm sorry honey, I love you and thank you!